Comin' at You - Live from Porkchopolis

cicadas my ass. we should be focusing on the plague of tourists that has hit dc.

sung to me this morning by s. schulte of the weatherford jackson band:

hey sister soy sister
gotta get that soy sister
getcha getcha latte hee-ah
getcha getcha latte hee-ah

oh yeah it's friday!!

Fleece This, America

forget mcdonald's, forget krispy kreme, forget outback steakhouse. i can tell you why americans are overweight & have arteries like pvc pipe: starbucks. this morning the dude in front of me ordered a venti extra extra extra caramel machiato.

all i have to say is EW.


my new ob/gyn is dr. bush.

so here's what i'm thinking: i should capitalize on the upcoming onslaught of cicadas. as of now, and i'm open to suggestions, i am going to make cicada mescal. i'm also planning on cicada martinis made with cicada-pepper vodka and garnished with the brown cicada shells.

perhaps these should debut at a cicada party, where we put them on the barbie (cicada kabobs?) and all guests come dressed as cicadas? i mean, a cicada priest, cicada britney or cicada ed mcmahon would really do it for me.

My Night in Quotes, II

"oh you're a hooker no matter what you wear."

"g is the type of dog who licks her bowl clean."

"i fully support your right to wanna hump!"

"i look like a romanian substitute teacher."

"the wine didn't go down so well, but your mother did!"

speaking of john stevens of american idol, "do you think if you & that boy had a baby, it would be so pale it would be translucent?!"


Today I Qualify for an I'm-Neurotic-but-Cute Meg Ryan Movie

and not only because i have crazy, curly hair.

today i decided to walk to work. i put on my new pink roos and my new britneys (to go with my janets), put on my headphones, and stepped out. it is a gorgeous day - not a cloud in the sky & a little chilly when the wind blows. it's perfect.

so i'm walking along, enjoying the long-awaited sunlight and just, well, being outside. it is so nice that i am saying good morning to total strangers. i am smiling at dogs. i am kissing babies. i am helping old ladies cross the street. i am a beacon of light, love & friendship.

apparently i was paying too much attention to loving things, and not enough attention to where i was actually walking. i step off the curb & walk smack dab into the biggest black man i have ever seen. we're talking marsellus wallace. we're talking a full momentum, face-in-the-chest bumpin' into.

"oh, pardon me! i'm so sorry!"

but at least i didn't have to be embarrassed. i mean, i'm quirky, not crazy.

my friends are cooler than yours.


my mother just emailed to apologize from some irrational yelling at me she just did. if you hurry, you might be able to catch a glimpse of that pig flying past your window.

Things for which I feel guilty, and a brief history of my hair

- not dancing one-on-one with those lesbians saturday night

- trying to convince my roommate to eat a sauteed cicada before i try one myself

- being so list-y on this site

- being visibly impatient in the grocery line

- being so proud of my nails that i keep making my friends ooh & aaah over them

- okay, being a little curious about lil jon's new porno

- secretly wanting to guilt you, internet, into leaving me comments!!!

and now, the hair.

when i was born i had a lot of hair. black hair. and i pretty much ignored it until i was 4 and, my mother safely out of the house, i asked my dad if i could cut it. he was watching the game, so, of course, he said yes. and i cut a huge triangle out of my bangs, apparently ruining my perfect, straight, shiny, enviable head of hair. this was just the first in a long and never ending chain of instances that would devastate my mother, or at least make her say, "i'll remember this."

the next time i ruined my hair i was 8. my mother safely out of the salon, i asked my stylist for a perm, promising her my mom said it was okay. i'm not sure if it was the chemicals in the permanent or those coursing through my pre-pubescent veins, but my hair was never again straight.

things were okay until i was 12. then i needed, had to have, could not live without a mary lou retton coif. my mother safely out of her mind, i attempted to describe to my stylist (different one this time; my mother moved me across state lines after the perm "incident.") what sort of cut i wanted. i must have failed miserably, because i left the salon in tears and literally walked around the house with a blanket on my head for three days.

once that had grown out, i discovered the magic of gel. and hairspray. and curling irons. i once turned my head upside down & used an entire bottle of hairspray just to get my hair to stand up straight off the top of my head. it worked. but for an easier day-to-day look, i manipulated the bangs.

oh my god the bangs.

wanting to be different from all the other girls who curled their bangs forward, teased & sprayed, i decided to blow mine back, feather & spray. it certainly set me apart.

the bang era was tense. there was no half-assing the bangs. my life depended on these bangs. i would try two and three times to get them just so. have you ever used so much hair spray it starts to flake off? don't. i'm pretty sure it will stunt your growth.

after the bang years, i came into myself. i got comfortable with the boobs and the hips and the hair. i was more relaxed, and so was my hair. there was no blow drying, straightening, spraying or gelling. this was the woodstock of my coif. the boys loved it.

then i was a sister! college was a little more, shall we say, pressure-filled. these girls took primping to unknown levels. the pentagon should tap these sorority girls and use them to diffuse bombs & find bin laden in those caves--i have never seen such careful, meticulous precision. and it would totally hold all night. thankfully, i came to know my fairy god mother patty, and she gave it to me straight (no pun.) patty gave me the best of hair of my life thus far. and, my mother still safely across aforementioned state lines, patty introduced me to layers. i had significantly lower-maintenance hair than my sisters!, but damn, i looked good.

my new lover, i mean stylist, is aykut. the first time i met him he asked me, "who did this to you?" the second i met him he asked me. "who did this to you?" now that we've gotten past all the mushy, lovey-dovey talk, we pretty much focus on our upcoming marriage. oh, and my hair. which i am thinking about chopping off.

so i ask you, internet, got any good hair stories?


Go On Witcho Big Ass!

my weekend was like 72 hours of opposite day. can you guess which of the following is not true?

a) i actually washed my own car.
b) i actually danced with a lesbian. okay, many lesbians.
c) i actually turned down ice cream.
d) i actually purchased & wore panties.
e) none of the above.


images produced by googling my name


Thoughts, by e2theLos

4:12am (woken up by need to pee) thank goodness it's only 4:12am

7:15am why are g & b talking about pharrell so early?!

7:56am okay, i'll get up. but leroy so wants me to keep sleeping...

8:02am okay, really, if leroy's gotten up...

8:13am egad! see, this is why i can't get a tattoo.

8:54am he's right. i am hott. *wink*

11:15am think i'd get fired if i threw this printer out the fucking window?!

1:03pm i wonder how skinny i'd get if i only ate jelly beans & vodka?

1:45pm maybe i should sell an egg or two...

2:12pm i wonder what charlie will make us for dinner tonight...oh, maybe he'll pile his dreads up again...mmm...

2:26pm is he flirting with me? i think he might be flirting with me...

2:34pm pharrailling.

2:37pm pharrailing.

2:39pm pharrailing.

2:58pm i really think some people just give up on being attractive.

3:06pm da da da forever in blue jeans

3:29pm dude!

3:37pm okay, definitely flirting with me.

3:37:30pm pharrailling.

3:43pm if i move there, how would i meet anyone?

3:46pm i wonder if zev has updated yet.


i have not stopped thinking about matt the bellhop from the st. regis, and i may have even had a sexy dream about him. what is it about that green uniform with the gold braided rope and the top hat that just drives me wild?!?!

if i can't have matt, though, i'll happily take scottschulte.


i want to beat my head against the wall, and it's only 3:30.
oh my gosh get me out of here!

it's gonna be a good year

ya know how i can tell? i am now 26. 2 + 6 = 8, which is my favorite, and lucky, number. so watch out world.

three of my birthday cards referenced my love for shoes, one asked me if anything is funnier than a trio of singing pigs, and one told me not to worry -- we (the senders) will always be older than you.

people keep asking me if i feel old, or if this birthday made me sad. no way! i am very much looking forward to this year; i just know something great is going to happen. turning 26 has, however, made me feel like a total adult and that i need to get a 401K immediately and why don't i have enough money to take the trip to mexico and do i really still think that rhinestone shirt is 'me' and maybe i need to start drinking white wine. for God's sake, last night i cleaned out my panty drawer.

it does seem that my mother thinks i am old, as she sent me two ENORMOUS shirts from lands' end and a silver half-dollar for my birthday.


word to el jefe, who always says that doing manual labor will remind you just why you went to college. i did the lawn last night -- it took forever & i am sore! then leroy had a bath, and he is so so so wonderfully soft & fluffy! you just want to eat him up. but don't; i tried to bite his fur once and he snipped at me.

God has sent me sunshine today and it so deLIGHTful! i am hoping He sends me shoes & a good pharrell later, too.


seriously, this dose of reality is like a slap in the face with a wet fish. anyone wanna go back to paradise with me?

Manhattan was our Fifth Lady, too

holy manolos did we have a good time in new york city!

bonnie & i went up early wednesday night, and after a few stops for peeing & diet coke we finally made it to the hotel at 1am. i'll be damned if we weren't on the island for 10 minutes before we had found ourselves a man! we met greg from chicago at the bar in the hotel, where we sat waiting for a room & drinking cosmos compliments of greg until 3 am.

thursday i slept late and then shopped on 5th avenue while bonnie went to her meeting. i had a $3 cup of coffee while i sat in the window of a little shop & i felt very new york. jerry from high school & i had sushi for dinner and then we met up with bonnie & friends at red sky, where i fell in love with virginia! after several cosmos & vt's, bonnie & i decided that red sky wasn't bumpin' enough for us, so we decided to leave the cute british men flirting like mad & go to the 40 40 club to shake it.

the 40 40 is owned by jay z & is tres hip right now, as evidenced by all the VIP rooms behind curtains - one of which allegedly held lennox lewis. it had been less than an hour, so naturally it was time to meet more boys. this time it was darryl (daryl? darrell?) and diamond who were cute & very tall & took us all over town looking for places to dance. (um, we were in new york, right?) that didn't work out so well, and in the time we spent driving around bonnie suddenly got slammed by all that vodka she'd been pounding, so we bought cheese and crackers and chocolate and ate it all in bed, smiling, at 3 am.

d & d starting calling our cell phones at 9 am the next morning (and hadn't stopped as of last night!) so we got up around 10 friday and shopped! as if nyc isn't fabulous enough, it is also leading the way in the equal opportunities for dogs crusade. i can't tell you how happy i was to turn around to check my ass in the mirror at saks only to see a jack russell checking out my ass, too! i'm telling you, i can imagine nothing better than shopping with my dog. just think how well we'd accessorize!

about this time jessica & genevieve arrived, so we headed to the st. regis to meet them. we were already getting a super deal of a rate, but when we arrived we realized we had been upgraded to a corner suite! it was gorgeous & huge & best of all it had 2 bathrooms. that turned out to best part of the room; g may be small, but damn! girlfriend can hog a mirror. and it only takes one slap in the eye of that blonde hair whipping around before you learn to just get out the way. the lobby of the st. regis afforded us our first 2 celebrity sightings -- mike tyson & evander holyfield. don't they try pretty damn hard to avoid each other? i think if tyson came near me after biting off my ear lobe i'd slap his motherfuckin' bitch up.

friday afternoon we lunched & sipped cappucinos & shopped more before we came back to the room (already exhausted) to dress for dinner. it was about this time that i discovered the champagne, strawberries & beautiful personalized birthday cakes that joe had sent to the room. i am not ashamed to say there were 4 girls jumping up & down & shrieking in that parlor. and i haven't even gotten to the porn yet!

friday dinner at zarela's with all the girls, plus jerry from high school and my new love virginia, was wonderful! the atmosphere was fun, the food was great, and the company was even better. diamond was persistent enough to get himself invited out for a drink at snafu before we headed to bungalow eight. we all looked great, if i do say so, and g enjoyed ringing in her birthday at this *elite* club. she & jess stayed late while the rest of us headed off to dance (yes, still in pursuit!), but i totally fizzled and went home early and saw big boi in the lobby! he was looking sharp in his white suit and red shirt, complete with a blinding amount of bling bling.

saturday we all got up and, you guessed it, shopped all day, this time with my other new love, stephanie! bonnie used to live with steph, and i'm pretty sure she is one of our deconjoined twins, well, now triplets. i found two pairs of fabulous shoes and ended the day happy. apparently if you have fake boobs and blonde extensions and little rhinestones inlaid on your toenails then cheezy, hairy jersey men buy your shoes for you.

but oh oh oh! while shopping in soho sarah silverman (!!!!!) asked me for fashion advice!
"how does this look? is it cute?"
"oh yes, i like it."
"but, is it too small? i mean, it's so cool, but..."
"nope, the sleeves look okay. i think it's great."
"okay! then i have to rip out this fucking shoulder pads."

en fuego, i tell you.

in the evening joe treated us to a round of drinks at the king cole bar. we were supposed to be thanking him for all the wonderful surprises, but instead he just reinforced my theory that unless i start dating paris hilton (can't be that hard; she's dated everyone else), i can never travel again. i have been spoiled.

dinner saturday night at artisinal with the girls was quite sex & the city. we totally enjoyed the fondue. and the wine. and the desserts. oh the fondue! i sure love me some cheese. after dinner it was off to the canal room where jessica did some record-setting ass shaking.

sunday morning we said goodbye to the suite and bonnie & i headed to chelsea for coffee with my friend from austin, beth! it was so good to see her. brunch was at the uber-trendy pastisse, where we met the delightful maggie and spotted the H-O-T-T rocco. oh yeah, we also saw sandra bernhardt (ick) and one of bonnie's soap actresses whose pants were too short for her jeans. money & fame will not give you taste, kids.

all in all it was a wonderful weekend! i'll go anywhere with you, bees.


sigh. e2theLos wishes to apologize (again) for the complexity and, apparently, un-fun-ness-for-the-reader of the Good Friday game. i was told it sucks and wasn't even really funny. but please know that i, in fact, had loads of fun, as did my entire household, and i think i'll make myself a sexy note now instead. so there.

yesterday ended exceptionally well, but today began with my eating chocolate cake through tears in my kitchen. leroy & muggins were quite attentive, but i think it was just the cake.


how did i know today was going to kick ass? it started with a work email titled "impulse noises."

listen, kids. i can't believe NO ONE even attempted to play the Good Friday game. e2theLos has gotten almost 100 hits since the game was posted, and i have nary an email. i meant it when i promised sexy mail. we have a digital camera & everything. the first person to send me an answer will get the prize.

y'all are a bunch of poopypants.

i know my cell phone is my cell phone because i've had it less than 24 hours and it already has cheese on it.


Good Friday merits a little Good Fun

here's the game: match the guys listed below with a roommate, also listed below, to create each girls's Fab 5 List. send your submissions to me. winner will get a personalized peice of *sexy* mail, so be sure to send me your address if i don't have it.

roommate 1 describes herself as "cute, funny, & beguiling--in the charming way"
roommate 2 describes herself as "dorky, loud & sarcastic"
roommate 3 describes herself as "too hot to handle, too cold to hold"
roommate 4 describes herself as "outgoing, perky & flexible"

1. Mark Collier
2. Mos Def
3. Dave Matthews
4. Chris from Coldplay
5. Chris Sutton
6. Pharrell
7. Joseph Fiennes
8. The Barbershop Dude
9. Orlando Bloom
10. The Hot Gap Guy
11. Bruce Willis
12. Lenny Kravitz
13. Gael Garcia
14. Leo from All My Children, also of Las Vegas & Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
15. Harry Connick, Jr.
16. Joshua Jackson
17. Ryan Phillippe
18. Taye Diggs
19. Benecio Del Toro
20. Common


Two Pairs of Janets will break down that Dam

we saw slaid cleaves last night at the iota, and he was great. word to the wise, don't order the shrimp "gumbo."


i just had a conversation, and it's true.
guys really do need the remote.

i know i should just shut up now, but really, if this JPL gelfling is on american idol one more week, i might stop watching. and i am going to need a diet coke drip come sunday, let alone a big gulp. but i might not even be able to scrounge up the $1.29 to buy it, as i am broke from paying way too many bills this go around in order to have money for my j lo-style trip to manhattan next weekend.

you know, it's hard being me.

i just got a phone call on behalf of The Passion of the Christ.

if you'd like to purchase a voucher for $5, which is basically a discounted movie ticket, please call 1.888.686.4230. the movie will be shown nationwide several weeks past Easter.

have a good day.

ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!
the one to end them all was on my train this morning, and we smiled twice!!!!!


e2theLos has learned many things

--if you flirt with a man in line at subway by helping him dress his sub, he will buy your cookies
--5 vodka tonics will give you a hangover
--leroy can in fact jump up on the bed by himself, even though he wakes you up in the middle of the night to lift him, the trifflin' dog
--i have been affected by SAD this long & dreary winter season and i welcome the sun
--someone, who shall remain nameless, has a seventh-grade-style crush on pharell, because he is "so weird looking"
--24 pairs of underwear worn at once will cut off your circulation
--beyonce is hotter than britney
--and speaking of beyonce, i want that rockin' t-shirt she's wearing on the cover of texas monthly
--that there is a lid for every pot. just look at nick & jessica.
--mos def is married with kids. sigh.
--most people are spectators, as proven by the high number of hits to e2theLos but the shockingly low number of answers submitted. e2theLos would like to encourage more people to participate in the next contest; more fun will be had by all. and the mail is worth it!
--and finally, e2theLos should ask her contest participants to send her an email with their submissions, because everyone can view the answers once posted in the comment box. for this, e2theLos apologizes.


Let's Play!

name the movie or song. winner will get their *very own* piece of personalized mail, so if i don't know your mailing address of choice, please include. googlers are lame.

1. "it's an electric ear wax cleaner." "it's big!" "it suuuure is."
2. "the army cut my disability pension cause they said the plate in my head wasn't big enough."
3. "and who i am? that i should be vying for your touch? and who am i? i bet you can't even tell me that much."
4. "if don't let me gut this house and make it my own, i will go insane, and i will TAKE YOU WITH ME!"
5. "she was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman that i'd ever seen."
6. "and it does not bother me to say this isn't love. cause if you don't wanna talk about it then, it isn't love."
7. "we have a lot in common...we both like to talk...or not talk..we could talk or not talk for hours."
8. "and the three men i admire most--the Father, Son & the Holy Ghost, well they caught the last train for the coast"
9. "now go in there and get me a toddler."
10. "i have to be the one to break it to you, you've been kicked into obscurity like judo, no menudo."
11. "you are a lonely, weak, pathetic man if this is doin' the best you can."
12. "happy ho ho ho to you!"
13. "you okay there, marge?" "oh yeah, just think i'm gonna barf."
14. "how'd i end up feelin' so bad for such a little girl"
15. "she turns me on like a pick-up truck"

*bonus, worth 3 points: "if your manner of speech is any indication of the workings of your mind, then it's a wonder you can even tie your shoes."


Eternal Sunshine of MY Spotless Mind

i have huge gaps in my memory timeline. there are people, places, events, even years i can't recall. my friends say to me, 'remember when?' and 'you remember so-and-so' and i have to say no. i have no idea what they are talking about. i figure it's my coping mechanism & what enables me to be the happy & well-adjusted person i am today. *smile*

if you haven't seen the film, i recommend it.

LTH rocked on saturday night and it was great to hear their tunes again! surprisingly, there was a dearth of cute boys. i am bored in the luv department.

my little sister has kissed samwilliams. she finally succumbed to my relentless pressuring & gave me the skinny: he lives in our neighborhood, plays all sports offered by AHJH, plus tennis, he has longish ashton kutcher-style hair, they sit together at lunch, and sometimes pass notes in between classes. oh, and apparently they suck face.

speaking of, i won the bet!


Lip Fever

i have a bet going with a friend in austin. i can't tell you what it is, but i can tell you that i am going to win, and you want me to. at least, one lucky guy does. or perhaps many guys?

woo WOO!


--my april fool's tricks have either been complete successes or have gone unnoticed. too bad i didn't have the nerve to tell my mom i was pregnant.

--bettyE, who gives me my morning paper everyday at the metro, told her friends today that i am "so nice! that girl is so nice!" now, bettyE is the nicest woman in the world and she never has a bad mood, even when she is standing in the sleet & rain giving papers to thanksless commuters at 7:30am on a tuesday. so i felt so good about myself that bettyE thinks i am nice, much in the same way i feel pleased & smug when i make zev laugh.

--i made some dynamo cookies last night, which i am taking back to my old office for a retirement party today. i really like this friend who is retiring. i like him so much that i went out on a blind date with his son, a cop named tupac.

--my little sister has a boyfriend! a cute boyfriend named sam! that little snark gets all the good stuff, including a trampoline, cute floral bedding, a tv in her room, her own phone line, pink pumas and MY OLD COMPUTER.

--i'm a bit concerned that my
new cell phone is floating out there somewhere in the mail, and i am dependent on the DC government to actually locate it and deliver it to me. anyone want to make a bet on when i'll receive it? winner gets their very own water weenie!



Confidential to All My Friends Visiting This Site:


Confidential to The One to End Them All:

I looked for you today.