My Ba-Ba

my sweet, fluffy, adorable, snuggly, astute, embodiment of light & love & all that is petable baby ba-ba spent the day outside yesterday!

i got an email from bees about 4:30 that read "don't panic. but apparently the front door has been open since, like, noon, and the dogs have been outside."


our fence is not exactly dog-proof, and while leroy normally stays in the yard, muggins is known to dart for all sorts of things offensive - birds, squirrels, mormons, cats (the only legit offense, if you ask me.) and while leroy is incredibly bright and possesses an emotional intelligence of mother theresa caliber, he is known to be a bit of a follower. muggins certainly wears the pants, so it seemed likely to me that he might follow her lead and get kicked or squished or lost or stolen or something equally as awful.

bees also mentioned that the workmen next door were going to try to herd them back into the house. and that they had been "keeping an eye" on things. well since they painted one half of the house next door peach and the other half pink (i shit you not) i was not too confident in their judgment AT ALL.

i rushed home only to find D standing on the steps with a bewildered, and i'll admit it, a bit scared of me, look on his face. not only were the dogs inside and nothing was stolen, but someone also BROUGHT IN the paper & the mail. go figure.

we still don't know how the door got open, or how long it was open, or who closed it and brought in the mail. when i went next door to kiss the workmen for "keeping an eye" on my dog, even they had no idea. all they had to offer was, "man, that little white one is vicious!"

so, i'm blaming agnes, the resident ghost. either that, or muggins figured out how to stand on leroy's shoulders and jimmy the lock with her tail...ARF ARF.


I would like to send a shot out

to my boy zev. 

he is moving to minneapolis today.  he'll start law school there in the fall, surrounded by books and snow and nordic girls.  best of luck to him.

last night we got together to have sushi and towards the end of the meal perry had a stranger take some photos of us.  it was nice to have all of us together and it seemed really normal up until that point - we just laughed and joked and talked about all the normal bs.   but once we took the final photo - like, let's never forget this great moment that will never, ever happen again - i felt a little sad.  zev has never been a super close friend, much as i've tried, but he's someone i always like to have around.  he makes everything more fun.  

there was one hot sunday last year.  we had all been out late late the night before, and perry had announced that he would get up early to make his famous migas.   will stayed over and zev came back early with the makings for mimosas.  we had a great breakfast that cured any hangover we might have had coming, and sat around all full and happy.  these are the moments i have a perfect photo of in my mind; there's no need for the other kind.  i can still see perry across the table serving the migas, will with his shirt off and his broken arm all wrapped in a bandage, and zev next to me, laughing.  

later we started playing trivial pursuit (my secret weapon miss weave was playing by this point and we were kicking some serious ass) and in the middle of the game zev decided to flip through an l.l. bean catalogue we had lying around.  "oh, i've been wanting a cashmere cardigan!"  and he whips out the credit card and is on the phone with lady at l.l. bean placing his order.  at the end of the call she must have asked him if he had any other questions.  "oh yeah.  just one more.  which 1980s fad superheros were known to be "in a half shell?" (or something like that.)  the l.l. bean lady answered "the spice girls."  "oh, too bad, lady.  it's the teenage mutant ninja turtles." 

another time we had spent the evening at the iota seeing alejandro escovedo.  one person, who shall not be named, stopped at taco bell on the way home to bring us all burritos.  zev & i drove home together, but the rest of our group never made it.  it seems they had been detained by the police, and one person had been taken in.  so, after a long night of trying to locate this friend AND get him out of jail, we finally made it home as the sun was coming up.  all zev had to say about the entire night was, "damn.  i really wanted that burrito.  fucking pig probably ate it."

so, snaps to you, minneapolis.  you're gaining a great guy.  treat him right.
P.S.  zev made it about 45 minutes outside of dc when his u-haul caught on fire.  ON.  FIRE.  last i heard he & ted were at the bar in a holiday inn in frederick, md.  snicker.


Lock Up Your Daughters

look out dc - all the schulte boys are in town.  in the past 48 hours there has been more head banging, more loud shirts, and more full-on tackling than i think dc has seen all summer.  well, outside of bonnie's bedroom.

saturday night we all trekked to fredericksburg, virginia to see LTH.  they played a fun set in the fredericksburg high school auditorium and we raised the roof, so we got an encore.  as they were coming back on stage steveschulte, of the weatherford jackson band, asked if we had gotten them back out so quickly by holding up a lighter.  both bonnie & i , simultaneously, said no, we flashed them, of course.  and bonnie made this sexy little motion like she was pulling her shirt up, and we just laughed & laughed.

well, eric, the lead singer, decided to call me out for laughing.  "what are you laughing at?  no, no, you, in the second row.  what's so funny?"  at that the drummer mumbled to eric that he knew what we were laughing at, as he had seen the sexy little motion, and eric laughed and said, "no, we don't know that one" and winked at me. 

last night we capped off the weekend with a doobie brothers concert at wolftrap.  i have never seen more pony-tailed men in all my life.  i was kicking myself for not wearing my cut-off harley shirt.  but, seriously, who knew the doobie brothers could rock?!?!


Cali 9043, baby

after years of tickets, fighting with the devil's minions - also know as parking attendants - and trips to the dm motherfucking v, i finally have dc plates!  raise your glass, internet!


ah yes.  the contest.
well, most of y'all punked out.  very disappointing. e2theLos is going to have to really think how to engage her audience.
however, the winner is the one, the only, most fabulous, tight & bangin' geneWEAVE!
here is her winning haiku:

I know a hooker
The hooker does not know us
only two dollars

Did I Really Say THAT?!?!?!
i recently learned that someone, let's call her kelly, is reading my blog.   regurlarly.  and knowing this, i paused for a moment, thinking that perhaps i shouldn't post this post, mostly because she has two small children who i love more than my sequined shoes and if i say everything i want to say then she might think that i am, well, not child-friendly.  but then i decided that self-censorship is totally anti-blog and i can't be responsible for the reactions of others, so...
last night i heard bees retelling a story:  we were at wolf trap seeing lyle lovett.  and eating great food.  with great friends.  and drinking wine.  and apparently someone went to the restroom with her, and as they were walking to the ladies they passed a park ranger.  this someone said, " do you think it'd be worth sleeping with a park ranger, just so you could wear that hat while you're on top?!"
we all start laughing, and through our giggles i ask, "who said that?  that is so funny!"
"YOU DID!!!"


Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz

a while back bees & i submitted some poems about cicadas, my favorite insect, to the washington post. i didn't tell anyone, as i was hoping that my announcement could come as a link to our being published in the post. but, it seems that john kelly didn't think ours were the best, and we didn't win the "fancy lunch" prize. dang.

here is a selection from the 3 poems we submitted.

(note: read to the tune of I Will Survive)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Not knowing what was out there in those big blue open skies.
But then I spent 17 years thinkin’ how I had to see
And I grew wings, and now there’s so many like me!

And so you’re back, from underground
I just crawled out and now we’re both here, mating-bound.
I should’ve flown another way,
I should’ve pretended I was gay,
If I had known for just one second you’d be back to shrill at me!

Oh now go! Fly another way!
Don’t click & shrill now, is that all you’ve got to say?
Weren’t you the one there in that hole of mine?
Maybe I will mate with you, cause then you’d lay down & die!

Oh no not I! I will fly high!
Oh as long as I have an ovipositor I know I’ll stay alive!
I’ve got all my life to live, and I’ve got all my eggs to give!
I will fly high! I will fly high!

e2theLos thinks things have gotten a little heavy around here. and it's also been a long time since we've had a contest! SO. send me a poem in any form - limerick, haiku, sonnet, etc. - about any topic of your choice - your shoe laces, what you had for breakfast, the celebrity with whom you really want to knock the boots. winner will recieve their very own piece of personalized prize mail.

p.s. i really hope y'all don't punk out this time. play!


I know people lie, people kneel, people die, people heal, people steal and people shed tears

sometimes when you don't think someone can, or perhaps even will, hurt you anymore, they go ahead and do it anyway and you feel like the rug got pulled out from under your feet. in the middle of a crowded room. and now your skirt's up over your head. and you don't know whether to be mad, or hurt, or surprised, or angry at yourself for even letting her get near your rug again, or perhaps just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

this is where i was yesterday - bare-assed with no rug, crying in the bathroom at work. lots of people said lots of wonderful, honest things to make me feel better and to reassure me that i am not all the awful things the rug-yanker says i am. g supported me with the kindest and funniest words. b let me stain her pillow case with mascara as she smoothed my sweaty, tear-dampened hair. a coworker even brought me a smoothie. thanks to all of you.

but it was my friend will who talked with me all day long and then met me for drinks after work - even if he didn't know it was just so i wouldn't have to go home and deal with all of the things i was feeling on account of the absent rug. and maybe he did.

as he was walking me home, he stopped on the corner and gave me a hug. a great hug. a sincere hug. a hug that made both of us take a deep breath of relief and comfort and hold each other even tighter. my head fit right into the soft spot on his chest and his arms around me made me feel so safe that i just wanted to curl up into a little ball that he could put in his pocket and take home and keep safe all night as i slept with someone beside me, staving off all the feelings and the deluge of tears that had replaced my rug and would take over the moment i had no distraction.

and when he couldn't do that, when he couldn't put me in his pocket and take me home and hold me all night and keep me safe, i lashed out at him. i said something that probably made him feel like his friendship is impotent, unfair and unappreciated, and it is anything but.

i'm very sorry. thank you for your company.


woo WOO

g's taking me to dairy queen!!!



so far this morning i have:

-woken up to a leroy on my pillow with his nose close to mine
-been told 'good morning' by several strangers
-found a seat on the train
-discovered i am having a good hair day
-had some yummy oatmeal for breakfast
AND finally
-gotten roses!

so, how is it, internet, that i am still grumpy? help.


Jiminy Crickets!

aykut just called! i have a new salon come tuesday!



Last Night

last night i went to wolftrap to see lyle. it was supposed to be just me & bees, but at the last minute it turned into me & bees & perry & frano - and nothing could have been better! it is so nice to be surrounded by friends just when you need it. thanks, y'all.

everytime i hear this live it brings tears to my eyes. and, well, even sometimes when it isn't.

And I like cream in my coffee
And I like to sleep late on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
And I like eggs over easy
With flour tortillas
And nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

But it was a dream made to order
South of the border
And nobody knows me like my baby
And she cried man how could you do it
And I swore that there weren't nothing to it
But nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

And I like cream in my coffee
And I hate to be alone on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby



well everyone is gone. we survived five days together and no one killed anyone else. everyone got along really well, even me & the big lady, which leaves me with one conclusion: she had a lobotomy.

the whole ordeal has left me tired & grumpy, though, so later gators.



so far everything has been a-okay, and, i have to say, it's a bit disconcerting.

big lady funny comment #2:

"oh emmy! you have to see my new pjs. i got them at target for $4.16 and they say 'i'm cuter than the cheerleaders!'"


big lady funny comment #1:

"i was driving in and i was, like, WOW! there's dc! and then, like, WOW! there's the washington monument! but then some mean man honked at me. he was giving me nigerian hand signals."

i shit you not.
nigerian hand signals.

Poor Trigger

so my car got broken into. they smashed a window - and for only this and this.

at least they have good taste in music, even if they have bad manners.