7.13.2004

I know people lie, people kneel, people die, people heal, people steal and people shed tears

sometimes when you don't think someone can, or perhaps even will, hurt you anymore, they go ahead and do it anyway and you feel like the rug got pulled out from under your feet. in the middle of a crowded room. and now your skirt's up over your head. and you don't know whether to be mad, or hurt, or surprised, or angry at yourself for even letting her get near your rug again, or perhaps just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

this is where i was yesterday - bare-assed with no rug, crying in the bathroom at work. lots of people said lots of wonderful, honest things to make me feel better and to reassure me that i am not all the awful things the rug-yanker says i am. g supported me with the kindest and funniest words. b let me stain her pillow case with mascara as she smoothed my sweaty, tear-dampened hair. a coworker even brought me a smoothie. thanks to all of you.

but it was my friend will who talked with me all day long and then met me for drinks after work - even if he didn't know it was just so i wouldn't have to go home and deal with all of the things i was feeling on account of the absent rug. and maybe he did.

as he was walking me home, he stopped on the corner and gave me a hug. a great hug. a sincere hug. a hug that made both of us take a deep breath of relief and comfort and hold each other even tighter. my head fit right into the soft spot on his chest and his arms around me made me feel so safe that i just wanted to curl up into a little ball that he could put in his pocket and take home and keep safe all night as i slept with someone beside me, staving off all the feelings and the deluge of tears that had replaced my rug and would take over the moment i had no distraction.

and when he couldn't do that, when he couldn't put me in his pocket and take me home and hold me all night and keep me safe, i lashed out at him. i said something that probably made him feel like his friendship is impotent, unfair and unappreciated, and it is anything but.

i'm very sorry. thank you for your company.