Conversations with Los

[totally hot guy who's been making eyes at me from across the room for half an hour now:] pardon me, do you have a minute?

[los, swooning:] uh, yes i do. i have about five.

[totally hot guy who's been making eyes at me from across the room for half an hour now AND who apparently has a charming english accent:] well then have a seat.

[totally hot british guy:] would you like to go with me to atlantic city tonight?

[los:] no thank you.

[totally hot british guy:] well then, may i have your number?

[los:] of course.

[totally hot british guy:] and would you give me your hand in marriage so that i can make you the happiest woman on earth and make you the official cheerleader for my semi-pro british football league?

and the rest is history. it's been four years now. four years of phone calls and emails (which he begins with 'my dear american beauty') and delightful romantic fantasies that are totally safe because he lives on the other side of an ocean.


sigh. he's dreamy.


Come to Mama

yesterday when i got home from work, i found a shirtless, muscular black man on my front porch, and i thought, "finally something useful came in the mail!"

but later that night the real treasure came to 1522.

meet becks, the newest addition to our eclectic household. we all already love him...well, all except flearoy. the verdict is still out with him.


Thank Y'all for Playing

the results are in! steveschulte has two categories of winners - funniest & finalists.

so, drum roll please...

Top Ten Funniest
10. The Flying Gusanos
9. Miss Hathaway's Bastards
8. Big Ass Buckle
7. El Rojo Wankers
6. Mama Said "Ondele"
5. The Panty Pirates
4. 4 Artists & A Stoned Dude
3. Carmen's Veranda
2. Merlin & The Merkins
and the winner is...Sofa Kingdom!!!

Top 10 Finalists
10. Mildred's Conjones
9. The Flaming Gatos
8. Stale Coffee
7. The HasBeens
6. Borderline Drunks
5. Heroes and Villains
4. Cerveza Kings
3. Opie's Last Stand
2. Los Frio
and the winner is...Jackson's Last Stand!!!

winners will be receiving prizes soon! thanks again. y'all rock.


You Really Just Never Know

i was just reading dooce's post today.

you should really go read it before you read the rest of this.

but it reminded me of this story that someone told me once. like dooce, i can't reveal the identity of this person, because that would be mortifying and disrespectful. no one wants these kind of stories talked about, let alone posted on the internet. but man, this is funny.

so one time a friend of mine wasn't feeling well, and much to this friend's horrible discomfort, this friend was forced to use the office restroom.

and this friend really hates that.

i mean, this friend really, really hates that.

so this friend was trying to make the best of having to use the office restroom, and, to be polite, decided to flush mid-use. but as this friend was reaching around to find the handle, fumbling behind, this friend smacked his/her head into a metal trash receptacle that was attached to the stall wall.


and in doing so, this friend cut a big, pink gash into his/her forehead. an un-hide-able, totally obvious, unexplainable, big pink gash.

the worst of it was, later that night this friend had a date.

so there's the date, the friend, and the big, pink gash on the forehead.

and when the date asked this friend how it happened, and this friend suddenly panicked and said, "um, i accidentally hit it on my desk."

the moral of these stories (and i really hope you did read dooce's) is that the office restroom is a dangerous place. avoid it at all costs.


Happy Birthday Dawn!!

(even if it was yesterday.)


Conversations with Los

[rk:] i have an idea, but you can't tell anyone or they will steal it. just like the jupiter jump.
[los:] what jupiter jump?
[rk:] you know, i've always wanted to have a jupiter jump at my wedding. and my mom just told someone about it and they are getting married in a month, and now they are having a jupiter jump!
[los:] oh. well, stick a hose it. it's way more fun that way.
[rk:] ha!
[los:] no, i'm serious. we did that once and it was awesome. just ask bonnie.


Confidential to Mack Brown

dear coach brown:

i would like to congratulate you & the entire university of texas football team on your win over the university of arkansas this past saturday evening.

there. i said it. now we can get down to business. what the hell is going on with longhorn football?! do we have any defense? where was the pass rush?! how does dusty mangum miss a field goal? i'm pleased we moved up to number 6 in the rankings, but i think it was dumb luck. i also think that the razorback fumble saved your job - at least till october 9th.

and speaking of, i hope you are praying to darrel royal every night. i'm not sure you'll be back next season if you can't beat those fucking sooners this time around. i'm pretty worried.

but mostly i'm worried cause i've live with the loudest, angriest, squawkingest longhorn east of the mississippi. during saturday's game, i watched her sigh, sulk, stomp, and scream at the tv, not to mention people in the room. (well, mostly she was screaming at you. and that fleabag razorback who took my boy vince down by the ankle.) and when i say scream, i mean scream. she stops conversations. people suddenly freeze, unsure of what just happened and why this blonde bombshell is screaming "fuck!" and "throw the ball!" and "do something!" and "SOMEBODY TACKLE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!" till she is red in the face. she looks real nice and all, but deep down she is mean. and wound up tight. i'm not sure she'll make it through october 9th. she might have an aneurysm if the score's not 49 - 0 at the half.

so, please, coach brown, i beg of you. do it for texas. do it for major applewhite. do it for ricky. do it for all of us out there who haven't had a longhorn win at a texas - ou game in years. and years. but please, please do it for weave.



To the fine readers of e2theLos:

I am honored to have been invited to make a guest submission. I live in the Texas Hill Country, and have known Emily since the day she emerged from her beloved mama's loins. I am writing because I need your help.

I am in a 5-piece band. We are young (at heart). Our music can charitably
be described as "Americana". We do a lot of original tunes (many with a
south of the border theme/feel) and mix in cover tunes by Robert Earl Keen,
Pat Green, Ray Wylie Hubbard, etc. We need a name in a bad way. I'm not
even going to tell you our current name. It's not good.

That is why we are having a contest. Emily claims to be the Queen of
Cleverness and that she has "surrounded herself with clever subjects". I
guess that means you, the readers of this fine literary masterpiece. Extra
points will be awarded for humor and/or clever wordplay. Examples
(admittedly bad ones) are:

Can't Playboys
Mad Cowboys
Trophy Husbands
Emily's Boy Toys
50 Cent Beer (this is my personal favorite) ("Tonight!! 50 Cent Beer!!")

Also, mixing Spanish and English will earn high honors. (Los Lonely Boys is
a fantastic name, for example). We can't go with all Spanish, however,
because we don't want people to think we are a conjunto band, you understan'

Also, no curse words. I have to splain it to my kids. Thus, "Giant Fucking
Ballgown" is out.

Emily has a prize that will encourage all of you to enter and enter often:

For the males (and those females that are so inclined (Bonnie)),
Emily will pull up her skirt to give you a better look at her
"porcelain, no platinum" skin that could maybe make you fall in love with

For the rest, all-you-can-eat mini-burgers.

Please leave contest submissions as a comment. Now get to work! -Steve Schulte


I'm Hoping It Just Hits Me Like a Mack Truck

i've had a lot of education. and good stuff, too. i have some common sense and i'm fairly level-headed...unless we're talking about power tools. and screwdrivers. i still never know which one is the plain one and which one is the fancy one. but, i can get by. and, well, there was that one time that i flushed my keys down the toilet, but that's a post for another day. i'm nice and i have good manners and i know when to use each fork and the proper way to order a drink in, like, 6 languages. and i'd say i'm a pretty confident person. i know who i am and who i'm not and, certainly, what i don't want to be. i know what i want out of life.

good for you, e2theLos!, is what you're probably thinking. but, how good is knowing what you want out of life if you don't know how to make it happen?

there's this idea out there that your adolescence is the most difficult time in your life. i am here to debunk that idea: i think it's now. i think it's your mid-twenties - when it's time to really buck up and make things happen for yourself. i'm officially an adult, but a new one. and i'm too old to be young but too young to be old. and i'm totally unsure of what to do with myself next.

i'm hoping that when it comes time to make crucial decisions - like where to move & if i should take a new job & if i should really give a guy a serious chance - that the best choice just hits me in the face like a cold fish & the answer is clear. and if that doesn't work, i guess i'm just going to do one big, giant MASH & hope for the best. (ooh, my fingers are crossed.)


Old Mexico

i have decided to stop trying to figure out the perfect way to present the trip. i am going to share it with you the way it felt to be there and the way it feels to look back on it now - like a big whirlwind of fun and laughter and friendship. oh, and tequila.

this trip really was one of the best weeks of my life. it made me so thankful for my friends, for every experience was enhanced just because they were there to share it with me. it also taught me a thing or dos about hospitality, as genevieve's family not only opened their homes but also gave us the gift of their time and education and most importantly, new friendships. at times i felt like one of those travelers who stumbles upon a cottage on a cold rainy night, and the master of the house let me in and gave me dry clothes and porridge. except in this case the porridge was chiles rellenos and churros and jamaica. i will forever be grateful for the amazing experiences they afforded me. us. i mean, the amazing experiences they afforded us. here are some of them:

-ordering margarita's at harry's in san miguel de allende during the 3-for-1 happy hour, expecting that we would each get one margarita and only be charged at the 3-for-1 price -- but instead we each got 3 a peice!! we had 12 margaritas on the table at once, and that certainly started us off on the right foot...which we were hardly able to stand on by the time we left.

-having bob, the owner of harry's, pull my skirt up just to get a better look at my "porcelain, no platinum" skin that "could maybe cause him to fall in love with me" but that definitely caused him to send over some complimentary mini-burgers. he knows the way to our hearts, and it ain't through sweet talkin'.

-bonnie's finding her long-lost twin in pat, a 60ish fort worth-via-ohio-divorcee who is moving to san miguel as we speak. bonnie knew she found her kindred spirit when pat said, "well i got to the door & it wouldn't open and i was like FUUUUUCK." and, "girls, have y'all met mearle? now that is one funny white woman." bonnie + pat forever.

-sleeping in the open, fresh air of san miguel. well, lying around in it for 3 days straight, sick as a dog. and having g go to the pharmacia to explain there was an alien baby in my stomach that was preventing me from eating or drinking for several days (unacceptable where there is a homemade chile relleno in front of you, beckoning you to eat it and just suffer the consequences) and having the pharmicist get very serious when she says, "make sure she takes all of this medicine - or else."

-walking the cobblestone streets of san miguel at sunset, and catching glimpses of pink sky behind handmade alters to the Virgin de Guadelupe.

-discovering that my "w" handsign for "weave wednesday" can be inverted for "weave miercoles!" (this also works with "whatever, main" but you better have some serious street cred to rock that one.)

-meeting a chichuahua named "bebe" that dresses in coordinating outfits with her tits owner.

-convincing lalo, our driver, that g had gotten drunk in san miguel & had married the first hot guy she saw, only to watch the color drain out of his face at the thought of his loss.

-being in df on the 50th anniversary of frida's death. in celebration there were banners with her works hanging outside of bellas artes and an entire frida exhibit that was designed by her neice. it was amazing to finally see one of her works in person, not to mention all of the actual photos of her life. but later realizing that we only saw 2 of the 4 rooms in the exhibit...

-deciding that chile en nogada will be served at my wedding, it is that damn good. and a margarita, can, in fact, be improved if it is a margarita de jamaica.

-introducing bonnie to cajeta. we may have created a monster.

-and speaking of, the girl loves pan dulce like it is sprinkled with crack. i have never seen someone so giddy over bread.

-driving through the streets of df with 83-year-old kathryn as she yelled out the car window, "oye jovenes - cual es mazatLAN?" (hey kids, where is the street mazatlan?)

-asking a table full of americans what they like best about mexico and getting this in response. "oh, the people." "yes, the mexicans." (as we look around and realize the only mexican is in the kitchen in an apron) "well, the mexicans who work for us." "servants. definitely servants."

-finding $400 pesos on the ground! chauffeur money!

-realizing that little bitty lalo, the driver, thinks that bonnie's name is pony. and having him say to me, "mira a pony. ella es un chica grande, no? mas como un caballo, no un pony." (look at bonnie. she's a big girl, right? more like a horse than a pony!!") PONY!!

-enjoying a fantastic massage, and for 1/3 the cost of a massage in the states. even if she did warn me of an impending digestive problem even i didn't know was coming at the time, which she discovered through reflexology in my feet. and oh, the joys of cupping!!

-determining that even when one of your friends squawks for 10 days about how she's afraid y'all are going to be big sluts in mexico, that squawking doesn't apply to her, especially when juan manuel is fucking hot.

-and bonnie's delicate spanish assessment of the consequences of aforementioned whoring, "mis amigas are nunca going to let me live this down!"

-trying to explain the phrase 'hardcore' to hot juan manuel - you can be hardcore into tennis, you can be hardcore for pamela anderson, extreme walking is hardcore - and having one of his friends pipe up and say, "but really, you can be hardcore for your green card!"

-realizing that genevieve really is a bestia when it comes to tequilla shots.

-visiting la casa azul and standing in front of frida's 4-poster bed that she was famously carried in through the streets of mexico city and looking at the death mask that contains her ashes and feeling overwhelmed by her presence, so much so that i actually cried. (and the subsequent disillusionment at finding out everyone noticed every time i cried on that trip, as they listed off all the times for me, one by one.)

-knowing that bonnie & i are a comfort to g, and hoping she realizes how wonderfully, amazingly, terrifficly bad ass she is, and it's not just when she's in mexico.

-having chile en nogada for a second time because, hijole! it is so good.

-experiencing an old mexican folk remedy of having the skin lifted off my spine - and hearing it crackle. and let me tell you, gringos, it worked.

-hearing a mexican attempt to understand genevieve's name. "you mean, genevieve, like tel aviv?!"

-closing down the roof-top bar in df at 4 am, as groups of mexicans wait to see if they can take us dancing. en fuego, we were!!

-telling two gorgeous, rich, mexican women that the previous weekend my family had told me "it's okay if you are a lesbian. we all really like bonnie." and having them reassure me that i do not, in fact, appear to be a lesbian. they'll even call their sons to get us dates tonight, just to prove it.

-amazing chilaquiles and nopales juice in the morning. i should start every day like that.

-having one last brush with death in the cab on the way to the airport, cause bonnie had been covering her face & squeezing my leg all week long; why should she stop now?!

here is the link to the entire photo album if you'd like to see all the photos internet!


Really, I Want a Giant Fucking Ballgown

i am ranking right up there with svetlana horkina. marion jones. john mackovic. the 2004 men's olympic basketball team. i was the favored one. the one everyone thought it would happen to first. the one expected to "win."

and holy toledo am i happy to be in last place. very aware of it, but happy nonetheless.

so we all know that the first love is marrying the ho. well good riddance to them.

i am headed back to texas in october so that i can witness the third college roommate wed.

i just got an email from a very old and dear friend that she is pregnant.

i just spoke to my college boyfriend of 4 years for the first time in, well, about a year. man, can he hold a grudge. he was on his way to chicago for the wedding of another college friend. and the last time he & i were really together was at another wedding.

the last guy i dated is now engaged. and to the girl he dated immediately after me. apparently this was common knowledge and my friends were very reluctant to tell me - fearing that i would have some gigantic meltdown and start saving for a face lift. on the contrary! i dodged a bullet with that one, kids. i mean, he was obviously ready to get married - what if it had been me? a life of bathroom humor, yankee football and gel-y hair? nothankyouverymuch.

and now the lamb tells me that she is trying on wedding dresses tonight, and that really, she just wants a giant fucking ballgown.

so congrats to all my grown-up friends! i hope it's nice up there, with your dusted shelves, plush towels, bread makers and gardening supplies. just don't expect me to join you any time soon.