Confidential to Mack Brown

dear coach brown:

i would like to congratulate you & the entire university of texas football team on your win over the university of arkansas this past saturday evening.

there. i said it. now we can get down to business. what the hell is going on with longhorn football?! do we have any defense? where was the pass rush?! how does dusty mangum miss a field goal? i'm pleased we moved up to number 6 in the rankings, but i think it was dumb luck. i also think that the razorback fumble saved your job - at least till october 9th.

and speaking of, i hope you are praying to darrel royal every night. i'm not sure you'll be back next season if you can't beat those fucking sooners this time around. i'm pretty worried.

but mostly i'm worried cause i've live with the loudest, angriest, squawkingest longhorn east of the mississippi. during saturday's game, i watched her sigh, sulk, stomp, and scream at the tv, not to mention people in the room. (well, mostly she was screaming at you. and that fleabag razorback who took my boy vince down by the ankle.) and when i say scream, i mean scream. she stops conversations. people suddenly freeze, unsure of what just happened and why this blonde bombshell is screaming "fuck!" and "throw the ball!" and "do something!" and "SOMEBODY TACKLE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!" till she is red in the face. she looks real nice and all, but deep down she is mean. and wound up tight. i'm not sure she'll make it through october 9th. she might have an aneurysm if the score's not 49 - 0 at the half.

so, please, coach brown, i beg of you. do it for texas. do it for major applewhite. do it for ricky. do it for all of us out there who haven't had a longhorn win at a texas - ou game in years. and years. but please, please do it for weave.