Donk whomp whomp, is this thing on?

Yeah... Bees here. In the hizz-ouse. I thought I should take this opportunity to tell you a funny story about e2thelos. But then I was thinking about it and well, there aren't any. She's very...

and boring
and hardly ever leaves the house
and nothing ever happens to her.

But funny stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Like today,I was in a meeting for work. After the real work was concluded, my big boss introduced us to his new lady-friend. My big boss and my immediate boss had described her to us before she arrived as being "less of a rommance and more of an adventure" and "kinda loopy, but in the good way." So I was not at all sure of what to expect.

So she came in and my big boss invited us to "interview" her in a joking way and I asked where she grew up and someone else asked what she did for a living. Then our other colleague, who tends to pull this kind of crap, went ahead a blurted out a more personal question with, "What's your maritial history?" You know, not to like, put too fine a point on it with someone you met five minutes ago, or anything..!

But really, the new lady-friend did me proud and taught me a thing or two about responding to people's nosy-ass questions. Basically, she went the ridiculous route. She said simply,

"Well I was married to a man once. We met through the personals in "local-city-magazine" and on our first date, he played "Deck the Halls" on a piece of floss on the "famous-late-night-show" show. I just knew I was in love that night. But a year and a half later, he was at an ashram in California making pickles for Krishna and I just knew it wasn't going to work out."

Floss? Love? Pickles? I have no idea if any of it was actually true, what with her being kinda nutty and all - but I don't care, because that shut Little Miss Nosy the hell up, RIGHT QUICK.

Ridiculous AND effective? I can dig it. If things don't work out with her and my big boss, I'm so totally gonna date her crazy ass! (Just as soon as e2thelos teaches me all about that lesbian kind of sex..)


The Case of the Missing Sanity

somewhere between last night, when i went to sleep all responsible and clean, and this morning, when i woke up a whole three hours early with my stomach in my throat, i lost my sanity. missing. gone. buh-bye.

who's the girl who keeps forgetting what she's doing? YO!

the one who just went down the elevator for no reason whatsoever? OVER HERE!

she who can barely stomach her coffee, cause it's full of butterflies? ME!

the one who can't even sit still for a whole 30 seconds? ME AGAIN!

it's hopeless. i just got distracted trying to reload my stapler.

in my absence, both physical and mental, bonnie will be guest posting. yours truly is going to be downing tequila in mexico in an attempt to self-medicate the missing mind. i promise bonnie won't let you down - she's much like the usual author on this site, only slightly drunker and with rowdier bedroom stories.


Excerpts From Emails Sent Today

please pause whilst i vomit.

if you're nice to me, i'll let you make me breakfast.

you eat a lot of eggs. you're like a mongoose.

yes, i am stalking you.

that was probably a slip - cause you're a big WHORE!

of course i'm wearing underwear.

just think - you get to spend 5 whole days with ME!

you know, this whole calming down thing really wasn't working, anyway.

don't fret - obi wan luvs you.

be there or be made fun of.

oh man, i hope these is a bar close by.

you know, the boy i keep in the basement.

i'm sorry; you forgot to mention the hot black musician.

here's a photo of my imaginary boyfriend.

i wuz starin' at yo boo-tay cause it's my du-tay.


Found on the Metro, Unedited


Baby we need to have a talk please don't ask about what just sit down and liston, I'll tell you everything including the things you'd rather not hear, hold on wait before we go any ferther i am not exspecting, It's just that I think I'am involve with you It's been so long I'am sorry I never told you I didn't think you would care of even wanna hear I mean you Life is so busy you would never have time for Me, not even think you got a girl." If you ever thought about it, it's like you no but you dont care because you an't interested, I just thought you should no, but wait I'am finish that was the discussion "I still got a congession or should I say congession. I'am so confused cause I know you got a girl but I just keep comeing back to you I didn't Run, I caught the bus, sometimes I walked to get to you, any ways I got a little bit more to tell you, I cant do it I won't do it, you cheated I cheated we both cheated lets just leave it alone. You got a girl I got a man lets just keep what we got even though I want you bad and I don't got you and said to myself I'am gonna fight for you," Not phsically but emotional but fuck it ama" do us both a fava" and stop wasting my time. And I know no it's bad that we an't talk no more, but I love you enough to let you go!!! I'am going keep on walk'n I know I can do it, I am not going look back cause if I do I garentee ama wanna come back, just to let you no I'am not going come back so don't wait up for me cause I won't be back


Taps: A Novel

i had been avoiding reading the end of Taps because i could see where it was going, and i didn't like it. i read the entire novel in less than a week, save the last 40 pages. those took me almost two weeks themselves. everytime i thought i could stand it, i'd start back up again, only to get two or three pages in before i had to stop.

he isn't supposed to lose the girl. this isn't how it happens.

last night i decided enough was enough, and i had to read on. i was doing the author - my favorite - a disservice by fighting against his vision. so, i read the last chapter.

and it was worse than i thought. in less than five minutes i was sobbing - sobbing - in the bathtub.

he loses the girl to the circumstances we've all experienced; he grew up.
i could've dealt with that alone.

but then his best friend is killed by a jealous husband.
i can't believe he stabbed luke. couldn't he fight back? oh, poor amanda.

the worst was the dog. dusty gets shot. murdered. by luke's mean-spirited, vengeful killer.
but dusty is his dog. he had nothing to do with luke. why does dusty have to die? oh this is awful.

i had to read that paragraph over and over again because i kept losing my place through blurry tears.

willie morris is an incredible author. through his beautiful, melodic southern prose, he brings people, places and scenes to life. he gives luster to and piques your interest in the ordinary. his writing paints vivid images in your imagination and you feel like you are the sixteen year old boy coming of age in mississippi years ago. he makes you love his characters, even though you have nothing in common with them.

and he does it all so well, so subtly that even you are surprised when you're crying in the bathtub, half because of how the book ends, and half just because it ended.


Well Slap My Ass and Call Me Betty

if this doesn't steal your heart, then there's no hope for you:


Ingredients needed:

1 1/2 cups fresh lime juice
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons lime zest
2 tablespoons lemon zest
2 cups premium tequila
1 1/2 cups triple sec
Lime slices, for garnish
1/4 cup coarse salt

Combine the lime juice, lemon juice, water, sugar, lime zest, and lemon zest in a small saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, stirring, and cook until the sugar dissolves. Remove from the heat. Cool to room temperature.

Combine the cooled citrus syrup with the tequila and triple sec and chill thoroughly.

Meanwhile, chill margarita glasses and then wet the rim of each with a lime slice. Put the salt in a saucer and dip the rims into the salt.

Serve the chilled margarita mixture in salted glasses, over ice if desired, garnished with lime slices.

Makes 2 quarts, 8 to 10 servings


This is the kind of email that makes my day

Today is special because... (drumroll please)

It's the 9th anniversary of my going ALL THE WAY and losing my virginity to the young, virile, oh-so-hott and what-a-great-lay Mr. King.

I'd like to thank Fawnzelle (Holy Jesus I can't remember her last name and she was one of my best friends at State U!) and her boyfriend Joey D. for getting me out to that party at The Spot.

I'd like to thank Nikki DiCarlo for tossing me that condom on my way out the door to the TKE house with Mr. King.

And I'd like to thank The King himself, for giving me the full introduction to his D. I truly, madly, deeply enjoyed myself. And I have ever since...

Friend of e2theLos


Ladder Theory

(click me)