We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

something had been amiss lately, and i couldn't quite put my finger on it. it seemed like the delicate equilibrium of 1522 was somehow off. were the doors locked? check. the trash taken out? yes. nothing rotting in the back of the bottom drawer in the fridge? nope. (well, nothing more than the usual organic head of green leaf lettuce that someone bought in a moment of self over-estimation.) was leroy locked in the laundry closet? no. what, what could it be?

last night the balance was restored, and it wasn't until everything was back to normal that i was able to pinpoint just what was wrong: it had been a long, long while since someone was vodka-drunk on a school night. thank goodness b & g were able to set things straight.

[scene one - kitchen]

los stands alone making corn chowder.

[enter g]

[g, yelling:] b we've got to hurry! the movie starts at 7:30! [g opens freezer, removes vodka, begins to mix drink.]

[enter b]

[b:] hey, why don't you make that in a water bottle so you can sneak it in?

[g:] well, i was just gonna chug it on the walk to the theatre, but I guess that's a better idea.

[los:] why don't you just put the vodka in the water bottle, sneak it in, buy drinks there & then mix in the vodka?

[g & b lock eyes & say, in unison:] that's genius!

[end scene one]


[scene two - bedroom]

los stands alone in her room, folding laundry & listening to bob dylan. it's cranked up so loud that she doesn't hear the front door.

[enter b]

[b, overly animated:] i called your phone, but you didn't answer! we almost got kicked out of the movie by a fat nerd! a nerd! and little g is driz-unk!

[los:] what?! who else is here?

[enter a]

[a, with head covered in bobby pins:] hi! like my hair?!

[los:] oh my goodness. what is going on?!

[enter g, stumbling]

[g:] hi. i'm drunk. [sways]

[b, still overly animated:] this nerd in front of us kept asking us to stop talking - he kept turning around and shhhhh-ing us. and do you know what this one did? [points to g] she mocked him in a fake british accent and kept saying, 'mr. billingsley! mr. billingsley!'

[g falls into closet door]

[b:] i was like, there's no way i can get this white girl home. i called everyone i could think of to come get us. a answered first. so we just showed up at her door and now let's get some chowder - can we have chowder?

[end scene two]


[scene three - kitchen]

[los takes a sip of b's drink:] that's not water!

[b:] hell no! that's vodka and sprite. here, g, eat this.

[g:] just make it so i don't have a hang over tomorrow....i can't have a hang over tomorrow...

[b:] i mean, a nerd! 'mr. billingsley! mr. billingsley!'

[g sneaks out of the kitchen with cell phone in hand. no one notices she is gone until she is heard her talking, loudly]

[g:] i'm drunk. NO, I'M DRUNK.

[los:] what is she doing?! she can't do this.

[b:] oh no, this is a disaster. she only calls boys when she's drunk! ooh, but maybe she's talking to 'mr. billingsley!'

[a, realizing g is on the phone with a boy:] g, you paid for this class! come back here & learn how to give a proper blow job!



[a:] moving on to foot fetishes!

[more laughter]

[b:] i gotta go to bed. all this has worn me out.

[end scene three]


[scene four - bedroom]

los sleeps soundly, knowing that all is right in the world.