7.06.2006

fool

what's so confusing, i asked?

in so many ways, it seems like no time at all has passed, like nothing's changed. but in some ways, it does. he said it so seriously.

i know. good lord, do i know.

in the first hug, he wrapped one arm completely around me & held me so tightly. the other? it stopped on my hip, ready to push me away at the first moment he felt unsure.

i pretended not to notice. keep going, keep going.

we had to push through all the catch up. how's work? how's your family? what have you been up to? oh you did? i heard that. how'd you know, dammit? ah, of course...

but once the work was done, we fell right back into our private comfort - puzzles and breezes and bourbon and swirls & dips and toasts to us. he picked me up and pulled me into his lap. he kissed my face over and over again.

i was happy. i felt like i was home again. this is wonderful. don't fight it.

so i didn't. i stayed there with him inside his apartment, in his music, in his t-shirt covered in his smell, in his arms all night long. it was like it always was. my heater made sure there wasn't one moment, all night long, when we weren't touching.

when we woke, it didn't stop. we spent the entire day there, just the two of us.

am i still asleep? am i dreaming? no. this is real. just enjoy.

and then, suddenly, i felt a shift. his boots were on. he wanted dinner, but something quick. he was really hungry. we had to hurry. but did i have my stuff? i better get it all.

what happened?

WHAM. i was right back there again, right back where i was on that last day we were together, standing on the side of the road holding his hand in both of mine. no, gripping his hand in both of mine because i was so scared to let go. i knew if i did, i'd lose him.

and i did. i lost him.

months later, over a dinner i couldn't eat, i was petrified all over again. i was so scared to let him go, because i knew if i did, i wouldn't see him again. of course, the same thing happened this time. the same thing, all over again.

i didn't learn the first time. but i'll be damned if i didn't the second.

i'm a fucking fool.